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Lee Harris

Lee Harris


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  2. Tell Captain Jack he looks taller in person. He’s doing a “HUM Dinger” of a job.

    1. A plateau is the highest form of flattery
    2. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
    3. Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.
    4. My grandad has the heart of a lion and a life time ban from the Edinburgh zoo.
    5. You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
    6. I can’t stand being in a wheelchair.
    7. What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but their flag is a huge plus.
    8. At an interview: “What is your greatest weakness?” “Honesty.” “I don’t think honesty is a weakness.” “I don’t give a fuck what you think.”
    9. A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says, “Make me one with everything.”
    10. Why did the semen cross the road? Because I wore the wrong socks today.
    11. Midget Psychic escapes jail. Small medium at large.
    12. Regular sex will make your day, but anal sex will make your hole weak.
    13. I’m addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.
    14. So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere…
    15. “This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.”
    16. What’s the difference between my ex and the Titanic? The Titanic only went down on 1,000 people
    17. Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
    18. Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: “Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?”
    19. I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
    20. What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste
    21. What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale
    22. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
    23. Life without women would be a pain in the ass.
    24. A cannibal passed his brother in the woods.
    25. Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, “Weeeeeooooouuuhhhh”. The next whale says, “Shut up, Steve. You’re drunk.”
    26. I hate Russian dolls…so full of themselves
    27. Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes.
    28. What’s E.T. short for? Because he’s only got little legs. (This is also my all time favorite joke)
    29. “I stand corrected”, said the man in the orthopedic shoes.
    30. Wanna hear a joke about Potassium? K.
    31. Why shouldn’t you hire a midget as a chef?The steaks are too high
    32. What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes \*whack* “damn” and a skydiver goes “damn” \*whack*
    33. A baby seal walks into a club.
    34. Jurisprudence fetishist gets off on technicality
    35. I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.
    36. Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
    37. “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”
    38. It takes a lot of balls to golf like me.
    39. Don’t you hate it when people answer their own questions? I do.
    40. A dyslexic man walks into a bra…
    41. What do you call a french man in sandals? Phelipe Phalop.
    42. I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger, then it hit me.
    43. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
    44. A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He’s now a seasoned veteran.
    45. Shout out to the people who want to know what the opposite of in is
    46. An agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac stays up all night wondering if there’s a dog.
    47. Diarrhea is hereditary … It runs in your jeans.
    48. What do you call an epileptic person in a garden? Seizure salad.
    49. What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexic’s Association
    50. Two scientists walk into a bar. One says “I’ll have an H2O.” The second one says “I’ll have an H2O, too.” He died.
    51. What’s the purpose of reindeer? To make the grass grow sweetie
    52. What’s the difference between inlaws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
    53. What does every tickle-me elmo get before it leaves the factory? Two test tickles.
    54. What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A cant opener
    55. “Torture me” said the masochist. “No”, the sadist smiled!
    56. Velcro. What a rip-off.
    57. A grasshopper sits down at the bar. The bartender says ‘hey, I gotta drink named after you.’ The grasshopper says ‘you have a drink named Steve..? ‘
    58. When my wife said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face.
    59. All in all…. it was a good orgy.
    60. Say what you want about deaf people…
    61. A three legged dog walks into a saloon and says “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw”
    62. Have you heard about the new pillows made out of corduroy? They’re making headlines.
    63. Im reading a book on anti-gravity, it’s impossible to put down.
    64. So a blind man walks into a bar, a bus stop and a fence.
    65. Polygamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same thing.
    66. When you mix alcohol and literature, you get Tequila Mockingbird
    67. My grandfather had his tongue shot off in the war. Never, ever talked about it though.
    68. I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.
    69. How are broccoli and anal sex similar? If you’re forced to have it as a kid, you probably won’t like it as an adult
    70. Two drums and a pair of cymbals fall off a cliff………..Budum tssshh!!!
    71. What do you call the little Irish man that lives on your porch? Patty O’Furniture
    72. What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
    73. My wife wanted me to whisper dirty things to her. ”………..dishes
    74. I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.
    75. 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren’t Happy.
    76. What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
    77. Stationery store moves
    78. What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson’s funeral? Nothing.
    79. An elf, a man, and a wizard walk into a bar. The hobbit laughs as he walks under it.
    80. How do you kill a circus? You go for the juggler.
    81. Pedophiles are like tortoises, they both want to get there before the hair.
    82. How do you titillate an ocelot? Oscillate its tits a lot.
    83. A chicken and an egg were in bed together when the egg turned to the chicken and said, “Well, that answers that question…”
    84. Cunnilingus is a bit of a mouthful
    85. Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall. As he turned and sneered at me, I thought: ‘that’s a little condescending’

  3. If on April 1st anyone at WLHA has the courage to read this on the air, truly deserves the respect of all DJ’s from the 60’s, including Captain Jack. Good Luck

    “The Chaos” by Gerard Nolst Trenité, written nearly 100 years ago in 1922, designed to demonstrate the irregularity of English spelling and pronunciation.

    If you can pronounce correctly every word in this poem, you will be speaking English better than 90% of the native English speakers in the world

    After trying the verses, a Frenchman said he’d prefer six months of hard labor to reading six lines aloud, and we’ll be honest with you, we struggled with parts of it.

    Dearest creature in creation,
    Study English pronunciation.
    I will teach you in my verse
    Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
    I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
    Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
    Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
    So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
    Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
    Dies and diet, lord and word,
    Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
    (Mind the latter, how it’s written.)
    Now I surely will not plague you
    With such words as plaque and ague.
    But be careful how you speak:
    Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
    Cloven, oven, how and low,
    Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
    Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
    Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
    Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
    Exiles, similes, and reviles;
    Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
    Solar, mica, war and far;
    One, anemone, Balmoral,
    Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
    Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
    Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
    Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
    Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
    Blood and flood are not like food,
    Nor is mould like should and would.
    Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
    Toward, to forward, to reward.
    And your pronunciation’s OK
    When you correctly say croquet,
    Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
    Friend and fiend, alive and live.
    Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
    And enamour rhyme with hammer.
    River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
    Doll and roll and some and home.
    Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
    Neither does devour with clangour.
    Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
    Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
    Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
    And then singer, ginger, linger,
    Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
    Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
    Query does not rhyme with very,
    Nor does fury sound like bury.
    Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
    Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
    Though the differences seem little,
    We say actual but victual.
    Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
    Fe0ffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
    Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
    Dull, bull, and George ate late.
    Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
    Science, conscience, scientific.
    Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
    Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
    We say hallowed, but allowed,
    People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
    Mark the differences, moreover,
    Between mover, cover, clover;
    Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
    Chalice, but police and lice;
    Camel, constable, unstable,
    Principle, disciple, label.
    Petal, panel, and canal,
    Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
    Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
    Senator, spectator, mayor.
    Tour, but our and succour, four.
    Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
    Sea, idea, Korea, area,
    Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
    Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
    Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
    Compare alien with Italian,
    Dandelion and battalion.
    Sally with ally, yea, ye,
    Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
    Say aver, but ever, fever,
    Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
    Heron, granary, canary.
    Crevice and device and aerie.
    Face, but preface, not efface.
    Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
    Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
    Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
    Ear, but earn and wear and tear
    Do not rhyme with here but ere.
    Seven is right, but so is even,
    Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
    Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
    Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
    Pronunciation (think of Psyche!)
    Is a paling stout and spikey?
    Won’t it make you lose your wits,
    Writing groats and saying grits?
    It’s a dark abyss or tunnel:
    Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
    Islington and Isle of Wight,
    Housewife, verdict and indict.
    Finally, which rhymes with enough,
    Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
    Hiccough has the sound of cup.
    My advice is to give up!!!

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